Good old American Bullshit

I am not going to make everyone roll their eyes by dredging up the predictable liberal response to Gabrielle Gifford’s near-assassination, and say that we need to ban guns, or at least ban certain types of guns and magazines.

Even I can see, after thirty years of watching this argument, that it is, at best, a losing battle, and at worst, the kind of unnecessary rhetoric that only inflames and agitates America’s sizeable population of right-wing conspiracy nuts who shriek hysterically about socialist liberals who want to destroy the 2^nd Amendment, and then stockpile eight tons of machine guns and bullets to fight off evil government agents who will use Black Helicopters to herd them into FEMA concentration camps. There is no other western nation so bafflingly obsessed with and fixated on guns than the United States. Mass shootings occur with what any reasonable observer would consider to be alarming frequency in this country, yet the typical NRA member’s response is, now see, if everyone packed, then the good citizens of our great country could simply fire back in these mass shooting situations, and everything would be hunky dory.

I am not going to attempt a rational debate with that mindset. If your solution to these kinds of ugly, ugly episodes is working to arm everyone to the teeth, and you can’t see what kind of even uglier trouble that invites, then count me out of the argument. You guys all load up and enjoy shooting each other; I’ll stay at home with the girlfriend, dogs & cats, and watch some cool movies. Knock yourselves out.

But truly asinine analogies deserve to be called out, such as the one espoused by Gun Owners of America spokesman John Velleco. Despite the carnage last weekend, the “Crossroads of the West” gun show convened outside of Tucson this Saturday and Sunday. Defending the decision to carry on with the show, Velleco noted that no gun law in the world would’ve stopped an individual as deranged as Jared Loughner, and the notion of canceling the gun show was nonsensical anyhow.

“It would be like if someone drove a car into a schoolyard,” he said, “and then you canceled a car show.”

So, for the record, my paranoid, obsessed-with-guns fellow citizens, there are certain flaws with that analogy. They’re so elusive and abstract as to be nearly indecipherable to the common layman – or Gun Owners of America spokesman – but I’ve got a bead on it. Dig it:

Guns and cars are different.

I shit you not. Wrap your head around this: cars are transportation, a way of getting you from point A to point B in a timely manner; guns are for destroying things.

A car can destroy things, for sure. It’s two tons of metal, and if it is mis-used, it can cause serious damage. It’s purpose, however, is to transport people and goods from point A to point B.

A gun’s purpose, on the other hand, is to destroy things. Whether it’s cans on a wall, a deer when you’re hunting, or your enemies in war, guns are designed to fuck shit up.

When some idiot gets drunk, drives his car through a storefront window and crushes two consumers shopping for underwear, an auto mechanic will tell you, Jesus, what a terrible perversion of what our automobiles are designed to do for us. These things aren’t built for destruction.

Conversely, when some idiot shoots his ex-wife with an AK-47, a gun expert will tell you, that gun did exactly what it was built to do. That’s precisely what an assault rifle does when it's doing its job: it obliterates whatever you shoot. These things are built to tear shit apart.

What’s insulting after all these years of the tired gun control debate is when a gun freak says “It would be like if someone drove a car into a schoolyard, and then you canceled a car show.”

Actually, no – it wouldn't be anything like that at all. Cars are for driving – guns are for killing. Very simple thing. Stop comparing the two as though they perform even remotely similar functions. The inability of gun freaks to cop to that simple logic betrays an unspoken admission on their part that they love these things that are, in fact, designed for violence and carnage. I wish I knew why they feel compelled to hide this admission and engage in subterfuge, but I don’t, so instead of the inane car analogy, why not just take the literal approach? “Yes, guns are used for fucking shit up, but we’re not going to cancel our show just miles away from where a nine year-old girl was mowed down. We love these damn things.”

A little honesty goes a long way, folks.